What It’s Like Being Afraid of Love and How to Deal With It.

Love, a topic that either makes people want to hurl or swoon. Personally, I have experienced both of those feelings, sometimes at the same time. I have always been a hopeless romantic and adored the idea of relationships. When I say "always", that really is not much of an exaggeration. Having been making my fellow male companions my boyfriend since kindergarten. I absolutely have "professional flirt" on my resume.

Being a hopeless romantic and having extreme adoration for forming bonds in general, you would assume that I would be head over heels with the process. Here is some ground-breaking news, I actually hate it. Okay, I shouldn't say I HATE it, but I am downright terrified of it. I decided to write about this because I feel that many people can relate, or maybe I am just really unstable in the intimacy department.

Don't get me wrong, love can totally be a euphoric experience. Love can make you feel like you are on cloud 9, but there is no denying that it can leave you feeling a little uneasy. Numerous events can cause a person to throw up their shield of protection and guard themselves from getting bitten by the love bug. Whether that is due to past loves, traumatic experiences, or even growing up with unresolved family issues. We adapt to what we see surrounding us or what we already know, and if what we know is "I've been hurt this way before," then that is what we are going to continue to believe until proven otherwise. What happens when we don't let someone even get close enough to prove us wrong?

Once I had my fair share of hurt and had grown up around unstable relationships, I figured that enough is enough. I will never go through pain again. I built myself some invisible love armor and became extremely stubborn. My whole demeanor began to shift, I wanted to be in total control. I found myself becoming very cold, impulsive, and calculating. Independence and not relying on gaining a single ounce of happiness from another human was the only thing on my mind. At first, I thought this was great. I was protecting myself, I felt strong. Therefore I threw on the armor and started making my journey back into the dating scene. Every male that spoke to me, I made sure they knew that I was not to be messed with. Some were scared away right off the bat, others stuck around wanting to reach out and show me that they aren't as dangerous as I may think. What did I do? I shut them out, every single time.

There came a time where I realized that I am so afraid of getting hurt that I became the person I was afraid of. I want to be loved and I want to give love, but whenever anybody tried to come close, I disappeared, and I didn't care. I treated myself as if I was an ice sculpture that would melt if even a finger was laid on me. Somehow I always managed to pull them in close enough to where they were just the right amount of comfortable to try and pursue me, yet I made sure I was at a comfortable distance. Think of it as if you are stretching a rubber band. I was the side pulling away and they were the side trying to pull me back towards them. I kept pulling and pulling until that rubber band snapped and we were no longer attached.

Now that I am done elaborating on how destructive and harsh I was, let's move onto exactly how to deal with the fear of any form of intimacy. First things first, take your time. Do not do a single thing until you are feeling nothing but total comfort within yourself and with them. You can't ride a roller coaster without securing yourself first. Set boundaries, don't be cold, but make your boundaries known. Let them know what you are okay with and what you're not okay with.

Build friendships, build stable and healthy friendships before pursuing any further. Some of the best, long-lasting relationships were built on 100% pure friendship.

Communication is key, no matter what. Don't be afraid to share your feelings, they are valid, and they will always be valid. With that being said, also take the time to listen and try to understand where the other person is coming from. While it is important for them to know your feelings and what you fear; you also need to allow them to open up to you. Take as long as you need to get to know someone, there are no time periods set in stone for creating a flourishing relationship. Be patient with yourself and this process, people don't overcome their demons overnight. Maybe building that foundation will take weeks, months, even years for you, and that is completely acceptable. Whatever you do, don't give up. You are forever worthy of love and pain doesn't last forever.