Finding My Purpose At Rock Bottom.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. Who am I kidding? the past three years have been a whirlwind of emotions, yet every New Years Eve, I swear to myself that the coming year will be MY year. 2018 was going to be my year of growth, accomplishments, and there wasn't a thing in the world that was going to get in my way. Fast forward to present time, we are a little bit over half way through the year and *drum roll please* I feel defeated, plain and simple.

Megan, who stole your thunder? Funny story, nobody did, except my own self deprecating brain. I have the tendency to ooze absolute composure around my fellow humans, but I'll have you know that I am doing some serious self destruction inside. You are probably wondering how becoming a downward spiral allows you to find your "purpose", don't worry we're getting there. I won't be giving you one of those step by step guides to finding your calling, but I am giving you my own personal experience.

The past year has made my anxious brain go into overdrive, leading me into the dark hole of depression. That is certainly a trip down memory lane. As I said, once New Years rolled around, I was certain I was going to combat anything coming my way. The first couple months of 2018 were okay, not fantastic, but doable. Summer finally made an appearance after the very drawn out winter and that is when I sunk even deeper into the sea of downhearted feelings, again. I felt lost, these thoughts of wasting my days doing nothing that fulfilled my happiness were hanging over my head on a daily basis. I kept thinking that one day when I am well into my sixties, seventies, eighties, I am going to wake up and be full of regret. I would be full of regret because I wasted my time not doing anything that feeds my soul because I ignored my dreams and blew off my passions as if I had another life to live. I was having mental breakdowns every single day, approximately every 30 minutes. No matter where I was, what I was doing, I constantly found myself having to escape or hold it in until I was able to release it all in solitude. No need for me to go into details, that's for my therapist to listen to.

I was sitting in silence one evening when a realization hit me like a tidal wave and for once something made sense in my head. Here is what I thought, we are always told to imagine our lives if failure was not possible. What if finances wouldn't be a struggle and we could create our dream lives with no consequences? What would we do? When you have the answers to these questions, you are supposed to grab those dreams and run with them because you are only shutting them down due to the fear of failing. At one point, I answered these questions to myself. I sat down with a notebook and wrote down everything I would do if I could have this picture perfect life 100% free of failure.

Shortly after I answered these questions and was back with the attitude that nothing was going to put a roadblock on my path, life smacked me in the face again. Things were going wrong left and right, I was doing everything in my power to stay afloat. Life swinging at me full force is what made me have this realization in the first place. Maybe hitting rock bottom is the beginning of our paths. Even when I was feeling my very lowest, I still found myself gravitating towards one thing. When I felt like the energy had just been sucked out of me, I still reached for my journal, computer, anything I could type or write on. No matter what my day was like or how I was feeling, I still made time for writing.

That is when I realized, whatever still keeps you going even when you have been kicked down and dragged through hell, that is what you should go after. As people we are curious creatures, we do a lot of self exploration, we may even have multiple passions. However, I feel like there is always that one thing that sets your heart on fire just a little bit more. So whatever adds light into your life even on the darkest days, grab it and go because that is what your soul craves.